I Had a Vasectomy. Now My New Wife Wants Kids — What Should I Do?

[justseyi]

 

The Dilemma
Dear Amy & T.J.,

I’m 45 years old, divorced, and a father of two. After my first marriage, I decided I was done having children and got a vasectomy.

Four years ago, I remarried. I told my wife about the vasectomy when we were dating, and she accepted it then. But now, she’s asking if I would consider reversing it so we can have a child together.

I love her deeply, but I’m conflicted. Should I go through another surgery and try to start over with kids at this stage in life? Or should I stand by my original decision?

Signed,
Dad Can’t Decide

T.J.’s Take:
This is tough. Maybe you didn’t picture yourself getting married again, let alone wanting more kids. Yet here you are, with a woman you love, facing a question that goes straight to the core of family, identity, and legacy.

But let’s not dodge the real question: Do you actually want more children?

Because if you don’t, no surgery, no pressure, no persuasion should change that. Parenthood is lifelong, exhausting, and deeply demanding. If your heart isn’t in it, saying “yes” just to please your spouse could backfire.

At the same time, if love and your wife’s longing are nudging you toward a “maybe,” then it’s worth considering — with eyes wide open.

Amy’s Take:
Here’s the thing: you already answered this once when you got the vasectomy. You said, “I’m done having kids.”

Now you’re hesitating — which tells me this isn’t about biology as much as it is about love. You don’t want to disappoint your wife.

But honesty matters more than compromise here. If you go into this resentful, or half-hearted, you’re setting yourselves — and possibly a child — up for pain.

And let’s be practical: reversal surgery doesn’t guarantee results. You may need IVF, artificial insemination, or other interventions. That means more money, more stress, and more emotional highs and lows. This is not a casual decision.

The Bigger Picture
Relationships thrive on honesty. Your wife married you knowing you’d already closed the door on children. So if she’s asking you to reopen it, she also has to be prepared for you to say no.

On the other hand, people evolve. Love can change the way we see family and legacy. Maybe hearing how deeply this matters to her makes you rethink what’s possible.

Final Word from Amy & T.J.
Before making any decisions:

• Be brutally honest with yourself. Do you want kids again — yes or no?
• Talk openly with your wife. She deserves clarity, not guesswork.
• Acknowledge the risks. This isn’t just about surgery; it’s about years of parenting ahead.
• If your answer is no, say it with love, not guilt. If your answer is yes, embrace it fully, knowing the road might be harder than expected.

What matters most is that you and your wife face this as partners — with respect, compassion, and honesty.

Because kids or no kids, the foundation of your marriage is what will carry you forward.

[Author]

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