A Husband’s Unexpected Journey Through a Long-Distance Marriage

[Precious]

Source: ZikokoMag 

Jabbar* (33) has been married for just over a year, but he’s spent most of it in a different state from his wife. Between the distance, loneliness and figuring out what it means to run a home you’re barely present in, marriage hasn’t gone the way he imagined.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he shares how long-distance is testing his expectations, the surprising discipline marriage has taught him, and why he believes love alone will never be enough.

This is a look into Jabbar’s marriage diary.

I thought marriage would be as simple as my parents made it look I come from a typical Christian home, and I’ve always had a very straightforward idea of marriage: man meets woman, they get married, have kids, and build their family. Simple. My parents were my blueprint for that.

My dad never womanised. He wasn’t abusive. He just played his role as the provider. My mum let him lead. She played her part as the support system. She cooked, cleaned, cared for us, and ensured the house was orderly.

I know some people in modern society would say their dynamic wasn’t balanced enough, but it worked for them. They’ve been together for over three decades, and they’re still going strong. That’s what I pictured for myself: settling down, leading my home, and providing for my family. But life had other plans.

Nothing prepared me for a long-distance marriage The biggest surprise so far is that I’ve not experienced marriage the way I expected to, and it’s been over a year. I got transferred to another state barely a month after our wedding. I tried to fight it, but your options are limited with government jobs. I’ve been stuck there ever since.

We agreed that my wife wouldn’t relocate with me. I’m not planning to settle permanently in that state, and she has a lucrative job in Lagos. I wasn’t going to ask her to throw that away just because I got transferred.

Dating long-distance is one thing. Marriage? It’s a different ball game entirely. I had all these grand ideas about how we’d enjoy being newlyweds — travelling, exploring, being intimate whenever we wanted, especially before children entered the picture. But all of that hasn’t been possible. The few weekends we spend together aren’t nearly enough, but thankfully, I’m finally making some progress with working on my relocation back to Lagos.

You’re still the head of the house, even in absence The moment that shook me was realising I still had to run my home even when I wasn’t physically there. Growing up, I saw both parents carrying out their roles, but I always assumed they were in the same space doing it.

Suddenly, my wife was calling me about things in the house — things that needed fixing, stuff that ran out—and it hit me that this responsibility didn’t pause because I wasn’t there. Financially, it was tough at first. I had to manage running my place where I was posted and handling our home in Lagos. It stretched me, but I had to remind myself that being physically away didn’t mean I wasn’t still fully responsible for our home.

To be clear, my wife chips in and supports me. She contributes. But some things are still my responsibility regardless of whether I’m physically there or not, and it took a mindset shift to embrace that. It also forced me to get really intentional with budgeting and planning.

Nobody warned me that you can still feel lonely in marriage People assume that marriage means constant companionship, but life happens. I wish someone had told me that sometimes, even married people have to do long-distance, which can be lonely.

Some of our issues stem from this distance. A few months ago, my wife called me and said the loneliness was unbearable, so she moved back to her parents’ house. I didn’t like it one bit. It felt like people would see my wife back at her parents’ house and assume our marriage was rocky. But she didn’t see the problem, and her parents were supportive, too. I insisted she return to our home, but she argued that I only wanted her alone in that entire house while I was thousands of miles away. She had a point. We eventually had to compromise. Now, she stays at her parents’ on weekends and spends the weekdays at our place.

Then there’s the sex part. I have a high sex drive, and distance has made that tough. My wife doesn’t share the same drive. She shuts me down completely when I try to get naughty over the phone or suggest video calls. I’ve tried sending spicy messages, but it doesn’t fly with her. To be honest, there’s no real way to navigate that. I’ve just accepted that whenever we’re apart, I’ll be sex-starved. It’s been a rollercoaster figuring these things out, and it’s not easy.

Discipline is what’s keeping me grounded I’ve had to rethink how I handle communication in marriage. That situation with her moving back to her parents really tested how we communicate. I failed to see how lonely she must’ve felt. I’m used to it because I’d been living on my own for three years before marriage. But she’d never lived alone.

Leaving her parents, getting married, only to be left alone in the house? That must’ve been hard. But I didn’t consider that. I was mostly worried about the optics and what people would say seeing my wife back with her parents months after our wedding. It took me a while to understand her perspective. I realised we’ve had different life experiences, and it’s unfair to expect her to cope the same way I do. I distract myself with movies, social media, and work when I’m bored. But she doesn’t have that same outlet. We had to really talk and reach that compromise.

Honestly, marriage has taught me discipline in ways I didn’t expect. Back when I was single, long-distance meant I could “scratch the itch” elsewhere, even if I told myself it didn’t mean anything. But now? It’s different. Distance isn’t an excuse to entertain what I shouldn’t. I’ve become more disciplined emotionally, sexually and financially. Being married—even long-distance—has grounded me more than I imagined.

Love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage; there’s more to it I may not know everything about marriage yet, but one thing I know for sure? Love isn’t enough. So many other things hold a marriage together: commitment, patience, kindness, selflessness. The list is long, and those other things make love thrive.

My wife sometimes complains that I don’t say “I love you” enough. But I always ask her, “Do you feel loved in this union?” She’s never said no. It’s easy to throw the word love around, but the real test is in the actions, in showing your workings. That’s what I’m trying to do, even if it’s happening from miles away for now.

*Name has been changed to protect the identity of the subject.

 

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